I was asked today, if I was happy. Happy with life, Happy with living, Happy in general. I'm not. I don't know if I have been for a long time. I feel like I float on a current of shit that at times tries to drown me as I go through each day. And I'm lonely, unbearably lonely. I feel like no one understands, or wants to understand, me. I know this is depression. This is serious and not something I should feel ashamed to talk about. But I hate feeling like a bother, I hate feeling like I'm 'emo'ing out on people. I don't want to be 'that' person, that people can't stand because its like they're always unhappy. But I am. Constantly, consistently. Sadly, it's probably related to my weight gain, which is in turn related to the cysts that keep growing on my ovaries. So what the fuck am I supposed to do?
Cry?
Cry. It's not purging, as it should be. It's not a release. It just makes me feel weak. I am not weak. I am a strong woman. I have birthed two children, by c-section (you can go fuck yourself if you think surgery is the easy way out). I have lived through molestation, and abuse. I have lived through having no friends, being popular and then being fat, being the 'white kid' on the bus (and beaten up). I have lived through being the wierdo, the eccentric, the atheist in a christian school. I am a strong, fucking woman.
So then why can't I stop crying? And why do I feel guilty even writing this shit down?
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Philosophical Anarchy
What ties us to a religion? To a thought or a concept or a theory? What makes us quiver in self doubt and wonder, just for a moment, whether a life long-held wish could be merely the illusion of truth? I ponder my deepest fears sometimes when I'm the most alone, when the house is silent from a day of child's play and after-work relaxation. When it's just me and the two cats, in the hourspan before they run a muck throughout the house that has become, as night falls, their kingdom.
Who is god? Why, when reading a book so devoutly touted as the bible, do I feel unease? I have read it, and read it... and read it... Short of learning Hebrew to properly understand the connotations that cannot be expressed in an English translation (ie: how many different meanings can a word such as 'mount' hold?), I have tried my best throughout my life to try and honestly understand how someone can believe the words found within this desk top paper weight.
The god of the bible is, on one hand, a merciless murderer, betrayer, and sadistic individual. He tests his followers callously, violently. He contradicts himself constantly.
The simple conclusion is: The bible was written by humans. Fallable by nature we are, frought with conflict and strife... even in our nearest history, our yesterday, our parents childhoods, there are examples of the cruelty and greedy hate that can drive a human to write an untruth.
Not to mention the fact that the bible was censored ridgidly by the still forming 'church', it's leaders deciding on whims what eh... 'gospels' would be included in the 'holy' text.
Fishy. Stinky fish. Yes, thats what it smelled like to me.
What turned me from a bible curious youngling in baptist sunday school to a skeptical atheist? Proverbs.
Go read it. If you still are baffled, then you're clueless.
Who is god? Why, when reading a book so devoutly touted as the bible, do I feel unease? I have read it, and read it... and read it... Short of learning Hebrew to properly understand the connotations that cannot be expressed in an English translation (ie: how many different meanings can a word such as 'mount' hold?), I have tried my best throughout my life to try and honestly understand how someone can believe the words found within this desk top paper weight.
The god of the bible is, on one hand, a merciless murderer, betrayer, and sadistic individual. He tests his followers callously, violently. He contradicts himself constantly.
The simple conclusion is: The bible was written by humans. Fallable by nature we are, frought with conflict and strife... even in our nearest history, our yesterday, our parents childhoods, there are examples of the cruelty and greedy hate that can drive a human to write an untruth.
Not to mention the fact that the bible was censored ridgidly by the still forming 'church', it's leaders deciding on whims what eh... 'gospels' would be included in the 'holy' text.
Fishy. Stinky fish. Yes, thats what it smelled like to me.
What turned me from a bible curious youngling in baptist sunday school to a skeptical atheist? Proverbs.
Go read it. If you still are baffled, then you're clueless.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
