I was asked today, if I was happy. Happy with life, Happy with living, Happy in general. I'm not. I don't know if I have been for a long time. I feel like I float on a current of shit that at times tries to drown me as I go through each day. And I'm lonely, unbearably lonely. I feel like no one understands, or wants to understand, me. I know this is depression. This is serious and not something I should feel ashamed to talk about. But I hate feeling like a bother, I hate feeling like I'm 'emo'ing out on people. I don't want to be 'that' person, that people can't stand because its like they're always unhappy. But I am. Constantly, consistently. Sadly, it's probably related to my weight gain, which is in turn related to the cysts that keep growing on my ovaries. So what the fuck am I supposed to do?
Cry?
Cry. It's not purging, as it should be. It's not a release. It just makes me feel weak. I am not weak. I am a strong woman. I have birthed two children, by c-section (you can go fuck yourself if you think surgery is the easy way out). I have lived through molestation, and abuse. I have lived through having no friends, being popular and then being fat, being the 'white kid' on the bus (and beaten up). I have lived through being the wierdo, the eccentric, the atheist in a christian school. I am a strong, fucking woman.
So then why can't I stop crying? And why do I feel guilty even writing this shit down?
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Yes, you are a very strong woman, and nothing will stop you from being such. I know how hard it is to pull out of the depression loop. Having supportive friends helps, but they never seem to do enough, because it has to come from within yourself to get out of it.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard work, very hard work to get started on getting out of the hole. Especially when you begin the assent. But you have to.
If you feel like your weight is the main thing, then that's what you need to focus on. Yes, I know how hard it is to try to juggle raising your girls and taking care of yourself too. You have to make it work. You're their mother, and you need to take care of yourself before you can fully take care of them. MAKE that balance between working out and watching them. There must be a way to be able to work out for just 30 minutes a day. I know it's hard to eat healthy on a budget, especially in Michigan, so one step at a time. Exercise and portion control. Maybe you can find a way to make your exercise routine something the girls can do to? Some sort of game... I don't know what would work for you.. but there is always a way!
You do have friends here for moral support, and if we were closer, we'd help you out even more. Don't ever forget you can just call me up to rant, ranting helps sometimes.
<3
Yeah I know what I have to do, its having the energy to do it. You're exactly right. I only have one more day of work this week, and Ul is on vacation, so I'm hoping I can start an 'easy' routine.
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